By Andrew Vontz

To say that Paris Hilton’s profile has skyrocketed since her previous appearance on FHM’s cover 22 months ago would be a drastic understatement. Heiress to a multi-billion-dollar hotel chain, she and younger sister Nicky were co-crowned 2002 Most Eligible Woman in the World not only because of their wealth, but also for their reputations as relentless party girls on New York City’s club scene. At the time, however, the people most familiar with the sister’s were dedicated readers of the gossip pages, particularly the Post’s renowned Page six.

That all changed when the world got wind of a sex tape Paris had made with Rick Salomon, Shannen Doherty’s ex-husband. The tape—made when Paris was 19 and before Salomon was married—hit the internet prior to the premiere of her Fox reality show, The Simple Life. The show followed Paris and fellow rich gal pal Nicole Richie around the town of Altus, AR, where they weren’t allowed any credit cards and would be awoken at 4:30 a.m. to perform such tasks as cramming fists into cows’ asses.

“It was like 120 cows and they were so dirty,” the 23-year-old says when FHM catches up with her between rounds of high-stakes L.A. meetings. “All the crap on their udders goes into the milk. I don’t ever want to drink milk after seeing that.”

Paris is certainly in a position to not have to do anything she doesn’t want to. Her inheritance has been estimated at $30 million, and she now stands to rake in a reported $10 million on her own next year, thanks to a reality-show sequel, a new pop album, a book, a clothing line and several endorsement opportunities. And while she steadfastly refuses to respond to any of FHM’s questions relating to the videotape viewed ‘round the Web, is there really anything left to talk about? After all, the world already knows that Paris takes phone calls while having sex. That, as much as anything else, solidifies her status as 2004’s Most Eligible Woman in the World.

Paris Hilton, you’ve racked up your second victory as FHM’s most eligible woman in the world. Sound the trumpets! Uncage the doves! How are you going to celebrate?
I’m going to Hawaii so I’ll be laying out on the beach a lot and then I’m going to Vegas.

You’re not going to go out to look for Mr. Right?
He’ll come looking for me.

How much eligibility do you think you have left anyway?
I definitely want to settle down in the next couple of years. I want to be a young mom like my mom. Having my own daughter to dress up will be fun. I’ll dress her up like me.

Would you get her a belly button ring?
Not until she’s older.

Like 5 or 6?
I got mine at like sixteen, so she can get one at sixteen to be fair.

Have you run into any nightmare tanning situations?
They didn’t tell me the tanning oil was ‘tingling sensation’ so I put it all over and I was hurting so bad and I thought like literally you know like that I’d gotten like really burnt from the tanning bed like it was like deadly. The other time I did the mystic tan twice in two days and I looked like a tangerine. You stand in this um like this box and it just sprays you like one side for twenty seconds and the other side for twenty seconds.

Is that the stuff they used in Vietnam?
Vietnam? They do?

It sounds like Agent Orange. Were they trying to defoliate you?
It gets you tan really fast. It takes like thirty seconds. I went twice in two days so I was like bright um orange.  (laughs)

Who is Mr. Right? And what makes him stand out from the average crop of no good sons of bitches?
I just want a guy who’s honest and smart and fun and loyal and I don’t know I just want someone who will make me laugh because I love to laugh.

There seemed to be a lot of honest men in Arkansas where you shot the Simple Life. Did any win your heart.
Not winning my heart but there was one boy that was sweet, he was my friend. Trae. All the boys wanted to meet us so they came to the bait shop where we were working.

What was the worst part about the bait shop? Jamming squirmy nightcrawlers into tight boxes?
It just smelled really bad. A lot of the fish were dead and floating and I felt bad.

What was your most trying moment in Arkansas?
One bathroom for nine people.  It’s like you never could get in. It didn’t smell bad. Um, they had like spray stuff. Not for us. For the other people.

Because your poop doesn’t stink right?
Nope. (laughs)

One of your other jobs on the Simple Life was getting up at 5 a.m. to milk cows.

You see in the movies that hot girl like in that little like farmer’s outfit like sitting there at the pail doing it and whatever and then like really it’s like a hundred or so cows and it’s this machine where they all go through and you just like spray their udders and then like put this machine on to suck them and it’s just like it’s just gross ‘cause they’re so dirty and all the crap on their udders goes into the milk and like the suckers you don’t really clean them off that well. I didn’t ever want to drink milk after seeing that. It smelled like cow crap. It smelled disgusting.

Mmm. Makes us want to reach for a hot cup of cocoa. Did you ever drink straight out of the udders?
No. Nicole was going to but it was just so gross she couldn’t. I dared her to she was about to do it but when we got there and saw how gross they werewe thought it might be a little dangerous.

You’ve always been an animal lover.
I’ve had very crazy pets. I was in Vegas once. This was last year. I’d just won a lot of money from blackjack. So I went to this pet store we always go to called Wild Kingdom Pets 2000. I bought a little baby goat and a ferret and a kumanji which is like half monkey, half raccoon. I had all of these animals and I went to get on the plane and they thought I was insane. They were like, this is not a traveling circus, you cannot bring all of your animals on the plane. I’m like, well I have cages for them. They’re like, no, you’re not bringing a goat and all of these animals on the plane. So I ended up having to drive back to LA in a limo all by myself for six hours with all of these animals. It smelled like the dairy farm. And I have a big cat that got to like 120 pounds named London. It’s like a miniature tiger. It’s really sweet.

Maybe you could give Siegfried and Roy some pointers. 2003 has been a whirlwind year for Paris Hilton. Looking back, what’s your fondest memory of the last 12 months?
This year I had nine birthday parties over the course of two months. I had one in Las Vegas, one in New York, two in Japan, and one in LA, and another one in London, and another one in Paris. I had like a worldwide birthday party. My favorite was in New York with all my family and friends at Studio 54 which is where my mom had her 21st birthday.

If you could live 2003 over again, is there anything you'd change or do differently?
Um. (long pause) No. (laughs)

Has anybody offered you anything you thought was complete crap?
I’ve turned Playboy down. Many times. I just don’t need to do it. There isn’t any need. People who are desperate do it. It’s for people who want to get noticed who do it. And I don’t need to. FHM is much cooler.