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Mean
April 2005
IRONMAN
Rapping with Ozzy Osbourne
By Andrew John Ignatius Vontz
Outside casa Osbourne, tourists in rented limos drive up to snap digital pics of America’s Favorite Dad’s house. The doorknobs on the gates are large enough to fit in the palms of a titan. Which makes sense because inside in the media room one of the true giants of rock’n’roll is treating Mean to a few tracks from his new box set on a goat-slaying sound system.
PETA wrote you a thank you letter for not having Battle for Ozzfest contestants bite the heads off bats. That sure was sweet of them. What’s your interest in animal rights?
You ask your fuckin’ father, dad did you do anything you regret? All that shit with the bats. . .if people would only start caring as much about people as they do about flies and fuckin’ insects and wombats and whatever the fuck, this country would be a much better place. My father would always say that charity begins at home. There was that fuckin’ tsunami but I bet there are a lot of people in this country that could do with a few handouts. It looks good for the nation when Great Britain gives a shitload, which is cool, I’m not putting it down. But if they can afford that why are there so many hungry people and people living on our streets in this country?
Originally I wanted to lift weights with you but it didn’t work out. . .
I can’t lift weights. I broke my neck last year. I have these iron bar things going. The screws are coming unscrewed, you know.
What was your fitness routine during the 80’s—jazzercise?
I’d do starts and spurts. I was doing a lot of drugs back then, coke, pot, booze, smoking cigarettes. I don’t do any of that anymore.
What are you doing to stay fit these days?
I workout two hours a day. I do cardiovascular on a stationary bike and a cross-trainer and I do 550 crunches a day.
How are your abs?
I was watching an episode of the Osbourne’s and I got so pissed off. I hate being overweight and when I broke my neck I couldn’t do any exercise. The medication they gave me was a major steroid. You gain weight on steroids, plus television makes you look fatter. I watched the show and it made me look like I get up in the morning, drink a giant cup of coffee, complain and go to sleep, drink another cup of coffee. I don’t even drink coffee. I drink tea.
How much did you used to bench?
I don’t know. I wasn’t into being the Arnold of rock.
How does it feel to have a former pot-smoking bodybuilder, ruling your home state?
I haven’t noticed that much difference since he’s been in. The sun shines. We still have mudslides. We still have rain. We still have these fucking people who want to save the world and half of them want to blow it up. I’ve met a lot of politicians. I met George Bush. Tony Blair was alright you know. He came up to me and he started talking music to me and I’m like there’s a war in Iraq, what the fuck are you talking to me about Ironman for?
How did it feel to be at the Press Correspondents dinner with President Bush?
I was fucked up. I was drunk. I was just having fun. One thing I will tell is that I was amazed at the lack of security at the entrance considering that September 11th had happened the month before.
Your son Louis is a house DJ. Are you an electronic music fan?
He likes it. I’m glad he likes it. It’s specialized music. I went to one of his gigs and it was just like one record that lasts for four hours and he fuckin’ thinks it’s great. It’s a generation gap.
Have you ever tried ecstasy?
No.
Have you ever been to a rave?
No.
Do you ever want to go to one?
No. My life was a rave until about a year ago.
If you were a Battle for Ozzfest contestant would you have made the cut?
Not now, but in my day I would’ve given it a good shot. I probably would’ve been fuckin’ stoned or something. When I started touring it was a different thing. Back in the day you’d hear Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac all on the same station. It went the same for festivals and shows. Black Sabbath one time opened for James Taylor many, many years ago. It’s not like Ozzfest where everyone’s a singing satan.
I own a Hootie and the Blowfish CD. Do you have any guilty music pleasures you don’t tell anyone about?
Whatever happened to Hootie and the Blowfish? They had that one massive album. . . The Sinatra collection I think is fucking great. I always start to listen to people after they died. Sinatra was fucking unbelievable. I could take you to my recording studio across there inside a little fucking room that cost a fortune to build. When they made records back in the day it would be live and it would be the band and the singer and they’d do it in one take and everybody had to learn their parts because as you were doing it it was cutting the fucking record. If you fucked a note or your voice went you were fucked and you had to do another one. The body of work he did was fucking unbelievable. He was unique. The other guy who’s still alive, Tony Bennett, fucking amazing. That man can sing his balls off.
Was Spinal Tap true to your experiences?
When I saw Spinal Tap I didn’t think it was fuckin’ funny. I thought it was a fuckin’ documentary. Things happen worse than that. Black Sabbath after I departed bought a Stone Henge twice as big as the real Stone Henge and it took them three days to get it into the fuckin’ venue. The overtime bill was a joke. Gettin’ lost on the way to the stage is what I would do. There was one of these 80’s bands from Holland and they couldn’t speak very good English. Let’s say we were playing Philadelphia. There was a sign at the bottom of the microphone stand and I’d always change the sign around so instead of being in New York they’d say Chicago. It was fuckin’ hilarious. I always liked having fun with it all. On the Motley Crue tour I had a guy stand in the lighting truss above Mick Mars and he’d just stand there and we had a 56 pound bag of flour, just sprinkling flour on him. He aged like 500 years. He never moved.
Have you ever been hurt onstage?
The first show of the Ozzfest, about five Ozzfest’s ago, this big fuckin’ football player jumps up onstage and I’ve got 35 gigs to go, and he puts his arms around me in a bear hug and he goes, Ozzy I love you! I can hear my ribs goin’ pop! pop! pop! I don’t know if you’ve ever had a broken rib, but if you cough it’s like someone kicked you in the fuckin’ side. It was fuckin’ agony. That thing that happened to Dimebag Daryl was just fuckin’ terrible. Why does this society still have the right to bear arms? We don’t have to circle the wagons at night. There are no fuckin’ indians fuckin’ runnin’ ‘round your house with a bow and arrow. The Alamo is over. The Civil War is over.
Since the Osbournes went on the air you’ve become America’s favorite dad. . .
I don’t know how they get that. I think it’s a joke. I try to be a friend. When I was a kid I was afraid of my father. If you instill fear to your child he’s not going to come to you and say, “Daddy I’m thirteen and I’ve got these funny things growing around my private parts.” I was never taught anything about sex, about alcohol, about the dangers of smoking, drugs, women, sexually transmitted disease. Everything I learned was off the streets. I learned that sex was a bad thing and it’s not. Any of us could go out to a club and get some fuckin’ thing and fuck her for a night. When I first came over to this country it was like I was at the fuckin’ sex Olympics. It was as much as I could get. In Great Britain in the early 70’s you’d meet a chick, you’d date her and about a fuckin’ month later you’d pop a question and you’d get a yes or a no. Came here and it was like they pull you in a room. I stopped smoking four years ago. I stopped fuckin’ around on my wife—I can’t even remember. I can remember things from way back, but I can’t remember what I did yesterday.
What made you decide to finally become sober?
This is the longest period of time I’ve ever had. Sharon battled cancer and she pulled through it. My son was doing Oxycotin and heroin and whatnot. My daughter was doing pain pills. Sharon came home one day and she said to me, “You’ve been getting fucked up.” I said, “No I’m not” because every junkie lies. She said, “I can’t be around this anymore.” Something inside me said you’ve gotta be sober. It stopped working. Believe me if I got some drugs now it would probably work but number one I’d end up depressed as fuck. I might even kill myself because I’ve gotta start from day one again and I don’t wanna.
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