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FHM
March 2005
BEYOND THE DIRT
The Wit and Wisdom of Motley Crue
By Andrew Vontz
ON SPINAL TAP MOMENTS
TOMMY:
On the “Girls Girls Girls” tour we were in Paris and the spinning drum riser was supposed to rotate five times and then you’d have to unwind it to go back. The guy driving the fucking drum rig went six revolutions instead of five, snapped the cables. So now there’s no sound, no lights, no microphone, no nothing, and we’re in France. I’m stuck upside down. Do I tell jokes? What the fuck do I do? So it was this whole Spinal Tap moment. The crew guys re-cabled it. It was probably about a twenty minute delay or so. The guys used to pop up from under the stage but they got stuck- just their heads were popping out above the stage.
VINCE:
When we were playing Los Angeles, the “Girls Girls Girls” tour, we had a big giant inflatable Harley that we blew up on stage, and the first time we used it, it just fell over and we had all the road guys jumping on it, trying to get the air out.
MICK:
I’ve fallen off the stage, way back in the early days when I used to drink. One time the stage opened up with a stair-step down, and I was backing up, and I tripped. When I used to be able to run, I used to run across the stage and I’d miss a step and just crash into the floor. At Red Rocks in Colorado, the pyro went up and the wind had been blowing into the stage area and it burnt my head. The wind came up at just the right time and I moved out of the way and it burnt two of my stacks up.
VINCE:
You fix it. You just learn how to keep the same thing from happening again.
ON GUNS’N’ROSES
VINCE:
I wouldn’t say there’s any rivalry, because a band is only as good as its last record, so you’re really only in competition with yourself. People keep this thing going, but it’s crazy. You don’t hold a grudge for 15 years. It’s stupid. Was it 1985? So long ago, it’s kind of stupid to even talk about.
MICK:
I run into Slash once and a while. We aren’t, tight friends, but we admire each other for what we do. We respect each other.
TOMMY:
Slash thought he could keep up with us drinking the Jack. So we sat at the bar and we fucking started fucking ripping ‘em back. Slash fucking throws up. We somehow got him back to one of our rooms, laid him down on the bed, and fucking put our nut sacs right on his chin and took a fucking Polaroid of it. I think we laminated it and made that his tour pass.
NIKKI:
The thing with Axl is as much as I love Axl he’s kind of a fucking emo fag. You know what I mean? He’s not really a fucking dude. He’s like the Wizard of Oz behind a curtain making a lot of noise. He never stepped up to the plate when Vince challenged him. Axl wasn’t into getting wild. I thought he was going to be a fucking lunatic. I think that’s his inner-emo. He’s so fucking artsy. I’m pulling it out in the press. Axl, if you’re there: lose your inner-Emo. Come back to us. Dude let’s rock.
ON GROUPIES:
MICK:
They’ll blow truck drivers to get in the back. Then the guys will see ‘em and give ‘em a big old kiss and the truck driver are like, heh. The most annoying thing is, they’ll stick around and party for about two or three hours with all these tramps on the bus and I could be halfway to the next gig. That’s why I always go from the stage to the bus. This year, I’m having my own bus.
VINCE:
A lot of the promoters actually ran the brothels in Germany.Me and Tommy were in the bathroom and we heard this noise from the ceiling and there was girls in the ventilating system. One time these people came and they had six pizzas which was pretty normal, and they walked right though security and security led them to the dressing room.
NIKKI:
In Texas this promoter picked us up in one of those big vans. So we go in and we’re doing an in-store, and when we go out to get in the van there’s like fucking naked girls in the van. We’re the guys who were all three fucking some hooker in the bed while Mick was laying there. It cracks me up because Vince will get a note slipped to him that’s like, “I really wanna fuck your brains out,” and a picture of this fucking hot chick. And they’ll be like, “Oh Nikki, here you got one too.” Let me see it—it’s like a fucking movie script and a chick who looks like fucking Tammy Faye Baker.
ON THE SANCTITY OF VIRGINITY
NIKKI:
I was in Finland. I was hanging out with this girl and we start fucking around and somehow it came up right before the fucking job starts that she was a virgin. Now, believe it or not I have morals—well now I do. But back then I even had a couple. I said, “I can’t do this.” And she said, “But why? I saved myself for you.” I said, “Well. We’re on a tour bus, outside a hotel, in Helsinki, and I’m not letting you lose your virginity to some guy named Nikki Six who fucking spits blood and doesn’t ever shower, who fucking lights himself on fire.” So I start walking away and she’s holding on to my leg, and I’m dragging her and Vince is like, “Dude, what’s going on?” And I go, “Dude. She’s a virgin.” He goes, “So?” I go, “Vince she wants me to fuck her.” He goes, “Well fuck her then.” I said, “dude no!” So he goes, “Well, I will then.”
ON TATTOOS
MICK: When a fan would come up and have me write my autograph on his chest and then he’d have it tattooed on I’d always try to talk them out of it. When he’s a grandfather, and the grandkid’s like, what’s that grandpa? He’ll regret it.
VINCE:
If you’re drunk and you don’t remember and you wake up and you’ve got something really stupid on you, that’s a pretty bad idea.
NIKKI:
My hands are my favorite. I have a star right at the bottom of my neck that’s got flames coming up through it. I really like that one. For me I like the tattoos that kind of poke out of your clothes a little bit.
TOMMY:
Putting girls names on your body is absolutely fucking retarded because women come and go. I put my kids names on because they’ll be there forever so these will never come off. I covered up “Heather,” covered up “Pamela,” covered up “Bobbi” on my neck. We don’t do the name tattoo thing anymore. That’s done.
ON MUSIC TODAY
VINCE:
I like everything from Mozart to the Sex Pistols, Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits, ACDC. You’re driving home from rehearsal with the music cranking in your ears for hours, and you don’t want to listen to any rock.
NIKKI:
Look at Christina Aguilera—I think she’s a fucking superstar. Killer fucking singer. Would love to fucking write music with her. She has a fighting spirit. Hanson—that band equals-talent-wise, something along the lines of the Beegees. Those guys can write songs like you’ve never heard, they sing like birds, they’re artists, they’re true people.
MICK:
I love R&B.
TOMMY:
I fucking hate country music. If I heard Garth Brooks I’d probably kick a fucking hole in the speaker and just fucking turn that shit off. I think Sarah McLachlan’s fucking amazing.
ON THE PERILS OF OVERZEALOUS FANS
MICK:
In Vegas I got a flying tackle that knocked the shit out of me and it really hurt me. The guy didn’t know that. He was after my hat. But he got beat up pretty badly when he got arrested. They wanted to take me to the hospital. I said you’re not taking me to any fucking hospital and I went out and finished the show. That’s why I take a bodyguard with me. When there’s like, 400 people coming up on stage, there’s not much one guy can do. Certain people in the band dismissed the whole security thing and they say, “Come on up onstage.” I go behind the soundboard and hide and then they grab Nikki and rip the strings off his bass and do all this shit. I’m not into that.
ON GUN SAFETY
TOMMY:
In Europe. Nikki and I went out and bought some flare guns. We thought we bought some guns that shot blanks. We didn’t know there were some, like a flare thing in there. We’re in the hotel room, we thought they were blanks so we were like (makes shooting sound) and fucking the red flare thing comes out and bounces off the wall and hits the bed—the fucking bed catches on fire. We’re going to get shit to put it out. We set off the smoke alarm, and the fire department came.
ON BAND NAMES
VINCE:
The first thing we were gonna call it was “Christmas.” Yeah, Christmas was cool, but not as cool as Motley Crue.
TOMMY:
That was just a head scratch. I was like, “huh?” I suggested the name “Stop.” I go, “What is something you see every day, everywhere you go? You see the fucking stop sign and the word ‘Stop.’ Everywhere, you see it everywhere. I guess that name didn’t make it. But a good idea; good name for a band because, fuck, you’re constantly reminded of it.
ON GARDENING
TOMMY:
This is going to sound so gay- but I love the scent of gardenias. I have gardenia plants all over the house so I’m always picking those and cutting roses. The little Japanese man that takes care of the Japanese garden that’s in my home gave me these cool little pruning snippers. You can just kind of fucking check out for a while. Nothing else matters for a minute. Just kind of dialing in. Little snips, little snips.
ON WHAT WOMEN WANT:
NIKKI:
Girls don’t want a sensitive guy. They want to be fucking bent over. They don’t want this, “oh, you know what? I relate to your feelings.” It’s like, “Fuck that. I want a caveman.” You know? Now granted I’m a fucking caveman but my wife fucking carries the club.
ON REHAB
VINCE:
If you start again, I guess it didn’t work.
NIKKI:
When we have a mechanical problem in our car we take it to the mechanic, right? And for some reason drug addicts think they can fix their own car, when there are just a lot of people out there who have a lot more experience with it. If you just open to that you will find there’s a better mechanic in the garage than you. And then shit starts to run again.
MICK:
Trying to quit on your own doesn’t work. Rehab never works. You get 30 days and then they send you on your way. And they don’t tell you anything, they don’t teach you anything. I’ve been detoxing and being around my people for the past three months. And it still hasn’t stopped. I haven’t recovered yet. I don’t have the urge or the feeling to take drugs but I’m pretty close. I think it could be very easy to slip and go back to that. I call it slipping into darkness.
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