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FHM
May 2004
QUOTE UNQUOTE: CRAIG KILBORN
The Late Late Show host on throwing balls at the handicapped, ignoring the famous and teaching traffic laws to Devo.
By Andrew Vontz
You seem to have slimmed down your already great-looking physique. Did you switch to low-carb cocktails?
I believe tequila, which is made from the agave plant, is not as fattening as vodka, which is made from potatoes. So I go tequila and then wine.
What sets you apart from the other late night talk show hosts?
I’m the only one who can dunk. All of those guys are quick with the comebacks. I may be quicker because I don’t say the first thing that comes to mind. I don’t say the second thing. I say the third thing—because the first two are mean spirited. I had Catherine Zeta on and she told me I was her favorite talk show host. Then she met Michael Douglas and she hasn’t done the show since. I don’t pay attention to who does the show and who doesn’t because there’s always a new hot young actress or actor. And some of them keep doing the show forever. And those people are going to heaven.
How much do you bench?
When I was in college I benched 215 and I only weighed 185, 190. In your face! In your face!
Did your strength come in handy when you tried out for the Timberwolves?
I used to be able to shoot the lights out but a jump shot’s like a woman. If you ignore her she’ll leave you—and my jump shot has left me. I did make a hell of a pass, a one-handed no-look to Garnett. Only three people can make that: Magic, me, and Larry. But I could be wrong. Thank you! Now why don’t you guys turn to page, insert page number, and look at the hot chick in this magazine.
Have you ever been one for pranks?
No. I think pranks are a waste of time. We all love George Clooney. I think it’s cute that he has a pig as a pet. No I don’t—I think it’s ridiculous. But I hear he does these practical jokes and maybe I’m just lazy but who wants to go to all that effort? Why don’t you just say something biting and witty and walk off? That’s what I do.
No one put one over on your when you played basketball at Montana State?
There was this silly thing at Montana State called a pod hump. They would throw you on the ground and all the players would pile on you. We had this trip to Hawaii my freshman year and they threw me on there and I panicked because I was claustrophobic.
FHM calls that a gangbang. What was your best play in college?
I threw a no-look scoop pass at three-quarters court and it sailed over my teammate’s head. Underneath the basket they always had guys in wheelchairs. And everyone in the arena could see that it was going right to the guy in the wheelchair and he couldn’t move and it hit him. When I tell the story now the part I add is, after the ball hit him he got up and walked. Yeah!
What’s the most ruthless thing you’ve ever done?
I was seven years old and one of the gifts my mom got me for my birthday was a box of crayons with a sharpener in the back. I would outline everything with the black crayon. I was orderly. The first day I got it the black one snapped in half and I said, well the whole box is ruined and I broke all of the crayons in half. I felt like a schmuck and years later I apologized to my mom and I said I’m sorry mom, I was wrong. And she said, I’m sorry, I don’t remember. And that’s why she’s still in my will.
A lot of people say you’re smug. Is there a big fluffy Teddy Bear inside there?
There is a sensitive Craig that only a few people have seen. It looks like what God would look like: piercing blue eyes, soft features, clean, fresh skin, big smile. I love opening doors for old people. If they drop a twenty I don’t mind picking it up for myself. In this industry there are a lot of insecure people. Whenever I meet people out, whether I like them or not I diffuse things by saying, hey, I’m a big fan of yours. And they smile and they go, really? And I go, you bet, I love your work. And then I keep walking. But that makes them feel good even if I could care less about them. That’s a nice gesture. Big fan, Joey Buttafuco! Big fan, Steven Segal! Really Craig? I like your show too—what time is it on?
Do you have any stalkers?
There are stalkers. I don’t get freaked out about that. I had them at the Daily Show and I have them here and if they’re hot we can work something out. The other day I went to Beverly Hills for steak and I park in the back and go through the kitchen. Right at the back table downstairs was Kobe and his wife right after the All Star game. Guess what I did? I looked away and kept walking. I don’t bother people. And I don’t want to be bothered.
Ever put your golden pipes to work on the karaoke circuit?
I think karaoke is a big waste of time. I’m a party pooper when it comes to some of these things. Can I give you a list? Karaoke, video games, poker, celebrity poker. . . I used to play golf but I was so mediocre that I don’t play that. I couldn’t break 90. I’d embarrass myself. I don’t ski. I don’t like rollercoasters. I just want to sit under a palm tree at my house and take a nap. Leave me alone. Please don’t make eye contact with me people. Just say you like the show and keep walking.
The show just had its 1,000th episode. What’s the freakiest shit you’ve seen a guest do?
Last week Jolene Blalock flashed me. She’s the girl from Enterprise, Star Trek. She’s got an interesting figure. The first time she was on she jumped on the desk and was writhing on my desk. At the end of the interview last week I said what are you going to do to top that? She goes, I got nothing. I cleared my desk and she stood in front of my desk and faced the audience and flipped up her skirt to show me her backside.
And what did you show the kids at your middle school back in Minnesota?
I walked into the gymnasium where all of the kids were gathered to say hi to me. These guys were in first to sixth grade. I got kind of poignant and I said, I went to school here just like you guys do. And I want you to know that anything is possible. Except none of you will be as successful as I am. Good to see you.
How do you deal with your adoring masses?
There was this girl and the first four times we went out we went to different places and I got comped meals all four times. She thought I was the man. And you know what? She wasn’t that far off was she?
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