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Big Brother
July 2003
INTERVIEW WITH ONRY AND BARFLY OF NORMAN
By Andrew Vontz
STUDIO MANAGER: They’re here. One of them is going to the bathroom.
Is he taking a poop?
I don’t know. I didn’t really ask him.
Can you ask him that for me?
Yeah.
Thanks.
MOMENTS LATER
Did you take a big poop Onry?
ONRY: For sure. It looked pretty good. It looked like that pottery in the movie Ghost.
Did it make you want to put your hands on it?
ONRY: Actually Barfly reached under my armpits and molded it while I closed my eyes and meditated.
BARFLY: I made an armature of the Statue of Liberty with it.
You know Martin Luther had a special rod and he’d poked around in his poo and check it out every time he went. Have you thought about going that route?
ONRY: Not really. He must have been ahead of his time. An innovator.
You might be right. So how long has Crazytown been together?
ONRY: Crazytown? Since like the late ‘80s.
Did you make a lot of money off of that butterfly song?
ONRY: We still haven’t seen a nickel from that shit.
How much time do you spend in the gym each day?
BARFLY: At least two hours. That’s why I’m so tired. I got up at 5 in the morning.
ONRY: If I’m doing my spin class it’s like three hours.
How much do you bench?
ONRY: I can bench my weight, 450.
That’s great. You’re gonna need a piano case for a casket when you go.
BARFLY: I just don’t treadmill. I don’t bench anything.
What kind of toothbrush does a true use?
BARFLY: Oral B because that’s the only one that makes the hard bristles any more.
What defines a true?
BARFLY: A set of spokes and a pair of Converse.
Have you ever burned a church down?
BARFLY: No, I’ve vandalized one but never burnt a church down. I’m not into the false shit. Onry likes Venom.
ONRY: I like Black christian metal. I build churches, the good kind without churches and steeples.
Do you have a space in there for fucking baby sheep?
ONRY: Yeah, for sure.
Have you ever fucked the corpse of a baby sheep?
BARFLY: Twice at the petting zoo.
ONRY: Nah, that’s against my beliefs in God.
That’s specific.
ONRY: Put it this way, I don’t believe in church or religions but I believe in God.
What has it been like working with Shifty Shellshock?
BARFLY: He’s fucking dope.
ONRY: When he’s off drugs he’s alright.
Does he ever try to, you know, gay off with you guys?
ONRY: Nah, but whenever Anthony Kiedis comes over they kind of disappear off into the outhouse together.
BARFLY: He wrote everything I did on the album, so I have to thank him for that.
ONRY: He ghost wrote all my freestyles.
Yeah, let’s give freestyling a try right now. Busting plates on my head/got my nuts on my shoulder. . .
ONRY: Toilet cakes spinning/plates like a circus clown/walkin’ around underground Seattle trying to get down/sanitary wipe/boulders like a knuckle ball.
Wow. How do shoes factor into how ‘real’ a hip-hop artist is?
ONRY: It’s all about the unborn baby dolphin skin Air Force Ones.
BARFLY: Pretty much you can tell what a man’s about by his shoes.
ONRY: Richard Simmons has high heels, you know what I’m saying?
I’ve never seen him in heels, actually. What kind of shoes do you have on right now?
ONRY: Espadrilles
BARFLY: I got the old jump rope Reeboks that girls wore in PE in sixth grade.
Could you do me a favor and each take off a shoe?
ONRY: Okay.
You got it? Now could you put one inside the other and move them back and forth slowly? Are you getting turned on?
BARFLY: It’s not my thing really. But I’m willing to learn.
Have you given skeleton a try?
ONRY: Skeleton?
Yeah, headfirst luging.
ONRY: I’m actually a professional badmitton player.
Bullshit. You have big mountains in Seattle. Why can’t you skeleton?
ONRY: I jump out of my skin every time I take a shower.
How important is getting your ass kicked when it comes to ‘keeping it real’?
BARFLY: I’ve been fortunate enough to keep it real every chance I get. I’ve had my ass kicked by Suicidal Tendencies, Sick Of It All, Biohazard. It’s an especially good feeling when it’s somebody in the public eye. The Biohazard deal had something to do with a drunken exchange of words at a race car track. It was pretty fun getting your ass kicked with race cars speeding by and cotton candy flying.
ONRY: I’ve never been beat up. If you see me you’d see why people don’t fuck with me. They just look at me and fuck off. I might sound nice but I’m not dog.
Do you ever put your hand over one of your opponent’s eyes?
ONRY: I put them over both eyes.
You sound like a bad motherfucker. If you covered one of my eyes I’d be afraid, especially with your belief in God. What was the worst time you got your ass kicked, Barfly?
BARFLY: There was one time it was my birthday and I was about sixteen and the tradition is you get your ass kicked nice and good on your birthday. I had to fend off about thirty cholos with babies and switchblades.
I find the best way to keep them at bay is to fuck a baby sheep in front of them.
ONRY: That would probably get me to jump you.
Would it turn you on?
ONRY: It would turn me Onry.
If Onry’s so bad, why doesn’t Onry step to the plate when you’re getting your ass kicked, Barfly?
ONRY: We’ll be honest. I’ve only known Barfly for three months. They flew him in for the sessions.
You’re close to the Columbia River Gorge where Lewis and Clark ended the first leg of their expedition. What inspiration do you draw from their example?
BARFLY: Don Ho’s my fourth cousin.
ONRY: I did a show there once that’s about it.
What would you do if a herd of caribou were at one of your shows and you accidentally pissed them off and they stampeded at you?
BARFLY: I’d give them the glad hand and keep them at bay.
Personally I keep a salt lick on hand for such an emergency.
BARFLY: It’s not every day we get a stampeding herd of caribou.
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