Big Brother Skateboarding
March 2003

RUBBIN’ IS RACIN’
An interview with lawnmowing racing champion Bobby Cleveland

FACT:  These mowers can go as fast as 70 miles per hour, yet these racers all do it for glory, not for prize money like those NASCAR ass canons—because there ain’t no prize money in mower racin’.

FACT:  Bobby Cleveland, 45, of Locust Grove, Georgia is the winningest lawnmower racer of all time and he would never harm a baby seal.

I hear you’re building a monster mower. . .
Got a monster mower. It’s the same size as a Snapper front engine rider or tractor except I jacked it up and put a suspension on it, 4-wheel drive, 4-wheel steer, independent suspension, 31x15 tires on it, aluminum wheels and big headers, roll bar, brush guard, hood scoop, big wing on the back.

How the hell you planning on taking down monsters without a blade?
We don’t run any blades on any of our racers at all. It’s just gonna simulate a lawnmower and we’re probably gonna crush some lawnmowers with it.

Isn’t a mower without blades kind of like a man without a penis?
I’d say that would be exactly right but you could pull something around with it I guess. We just thinking of the safety factor and that’s one of our rules in the racing association and I wanna go along with that.

Why even call it mower racing if you can’t mow?
What I tell people is we don’t cut grass with our racing mowers, but when we get through racing, the grass is gone. It just goes away.

You don’t have to tell me. I’ve got ten years of experience in the turf care industry. Our readers have suggested that you build the body of the monster mower in the shape of a fringed buckskin pant leg from the outfit Merriwether Lewis wore during his legendary expedition with William Clark. Do you think you could do that, you know, for us?

Anything is possible. I already completed this one and to get it to look different would be a lot of work, but that’s possible.

Maybe for the next one you could do it for us. Who mows your lawn?
I try my best to get somebody else to do it. I’ve worked at a lawnmower factory for about 27 years and I used to live in the yard cuttin’ grass, so if I can get somebody else to do it, usually my nephew or my girlfriend at the time—that’s one of the qualifications she has to have, being able to cut the grass.

How fast could you cut a normal-sized lawn with your racing mower?
Just as long as I could go straight, I could cut it real fast. I could cut it at least twice as fast but it wouldn’t look as good as cuttin’ at normal speed. I can go about 75 miles per hour but you can’t really cut grass over about 10, 15 miles per hour. It’s just too fast for the blade to cut.

Rubbing is racing. What do you do when somebody pisses you off out there on the oval of glory?

I usually don’t do anything about it while I’m racing because it’s just not safe but we have in the past had some guys you knew liked to do that so we try to stay away from them on the mower. We always say it’s just a lawnmower, if we built that we can build another one just like it.

What’s your strategy when you’ve gotta take somebody down?
Oh no. We’re all friends. After a race is over, we start socializing. That’s one of the main reasons I stay in it. They’re such good people and they’re just out there to have a good time.

Let me throw a hypothetical at you:  you’re out on the track, you’ve got your baby gunned, and a squirrel charges right in front of you. What do you do?

I’m gonna kill the squirrel. I don’t have any insurance when I’m on that mower so the squirrel is gonna have to take the brunt of the punishment.

I ran over a dead squirrel with a walk-behind one time. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty having squirrel fur and blood sprayed everywhere, but the true lawncare professional stops for nothing. Protection, then, is key for the aspiring mower racer. Would chaps and a jockstrap with cup make good safety gear?

That would be interesting to see some of these guys have that on. We do have some women racers, so it would be even better to see some of them. It’s hard enough to look at them anyway, much less with a pair of chaps on and a cup. But that would be interesting to see.

So the hardcore gay lifestyle must have a strong influence on mower racing. . .

No. I don’t think so.

Well, let’s say it’s the day after a long, hard race and you’re in the showers with your competitors. Do you help each other scrub down?

Most of them don’t take but one shower a week and it’s usually not after the race. They’re too busy socializing and drinking to think about cleaning up. Plus, most of the places where we race at, we’re lucky to have a restroom much less showers. We’re lucky to have a port-a-let.

But it gets lonely out there on the circuit. Do a lot of guys gay off with each other?

No. Most of them bring their wives with them. It’s more of a family event. I’d say 80-90 percent of the guys that do race bring the kids because they all enjoy what we do. If any of that goes on, I haven’t seen it yet. I’m not sayin’ that it doesn’t.

Since there are a lot of family men, then there must be a lot of swinging action. . .

I don’t know about that. Some of them I don’t believe I’d want to swing with.

But have you ever seen any racers throw up a sex sling on a tree off to the side of the track?

I haven’t seen that yet but I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in the near future. And I’m not going to say about who.

What do you think about these pretty-boy NASCAR pussies who never pick up a wrench or change their own tires?

The TV makes them look like that but if they came up into racing they probably paid their dues. I know that we have. I wouldn’t mind being called a pretty boy.

How do you think they’d fair out there on the lawnmower racing circuit?
It’s too dirty. They wouldn’t want to do that because they’d get too dirty. They wouldn’t like it. In fact, Rusty Wallace wanted to drive my mower one time and I said you can drive it if you let me drive your car. Well, I didn’t get to drive the car and he didn’t get to drive the mower.

That sounds like bullshit. So how much trim does a lawnmower racer end up snagging over the course of a season?

Lord. This brings me back to some old footage that I’ve done, but this is what I have to say about that:  The women that you could pick up at a lawnmower race you could just as easily pick up at the Wafflehouse.

Yeah, but do you get extra syrup and butter with that? 
Well, they definitely throw in the grits and hash browns. It wouldn’t be the same without it.


Nothing’s the same without butter, my friend. Racing tractors are highly-tuned feats of engineering. When you christen a new ride, like the monster mower, do you ever make sweet, slow love on it?

I definitely think about that. And it’s probably happened on a couple of my mowers, but the monster mower I’m afraid I’ll scratch it up. I spent over a year buildin’ it. I’m gonna wait before I scratch it up, but that is in the back of my mind.